In response to Frum Satire…

WordPress is being OPPRESSIVE and I am not going to sit down and take it, so here is the rejected post, the only way I can slip it through.

You can read frumsatire’s original and excellent posting that spawned my little rant HERE.

Awesome post…Ben Yehuda, why do you spell kiddush like Quiddich?   Sorry I just have to ask even though I can’t spell for my life generally.

My first thoughts were that divorce announcements at a seder seem REALLY inappropriate until I realized that there are few things more appropriate.  That is personal freedom (my thoughts on divorce are not this one sided and I am shelving them for the time being.)

Ok, yo, Hesh, I’m really glad that you finally had a good seder.  It’s always good to have a seder upgrade and btw you know you now have to post a video of your fire sounds.  I think my friend’s husband (his name is Gedaliah) does the best ones, personally, but you can try to beat it.
Inflatable alligators and pineapple sound rocking.  YAY for shaking things up!

BTW making aliyah forever and keeping one day of chag is so the way to go.  People end up getting more into it because in chu’l people spend the first night being exhausted and don’t get into it as much since they can always do it better the second night.  And then the second night it’s boring because of the whole we-just-did-this deja vu thing going on.  Here we get to give it all we’ve got and BOOM it works.

My family used to do pesach roadtrips.  We’d arrive at our destination the morning of seder, and rush through so fast that we were done by 10:30 because after 24 hours in the car, we were wiped.  HATED IT.  Not as much as the 7 or 8 different kiddushes we had to sit through when I was younger (cousins made each adult male make their own) and the only person who used to kick me under the table was my cousin.  Then I’d get sent to his room, he’d get sent to his brother’s room, and we’d each cry ourselves to sleep while tantruming about how life is unfair. And we’d wake up in time for the end of maggid and have to join for the rest of the seder when we would fight again.
Life was more unfair for me.  I told said cousin I was asking for Sega Genesis for my afikoman present and he liked the idea so he asked too.  Only his family was richer than mine, so he got it and I didn’t and he didn’t let me play.  He sent me a letter gloating instead.

Why did I just tell you all that?  Oh right – because…

The injustices of pesach were many.

Welcome to the future.

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4 Responses to In response to Frum Satire…

  1. What is up with all those numbers? Someone help!

  2. Oh, and…I got this email forward and thought it was appropriate to the discussion at hand.

    For those of you who don’t have the patience to sit thru a full
    Seder: The Two-Minute Haggadah – A Passover service for the
    impatient.
    Opening prayers
    Thanks, God, for creating wine. ( Drink wine.)
    Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

    Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why
    we’re doing this.

    Four questions:
    1. What’s up w ith the matzoh?
    2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
    3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
    4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?
    Answers:
    1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for
    making decent bread.
    2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
    3. It’s called symbolism.
    4. Free people get to slouch.

    A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was
    morning. ( Heat soup now. )

    The four kinds of children and how to dea l with them:
    Wise child-explain Passover.
    Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
    Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
    Wicked child-brow beat in front of the relatives.
    Speaking of children : We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

    The story of Passover:
    It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare.
    We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We
    escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it
    through. The Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in the
    desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new
    temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. ( Let
    brisket cool now.

    The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.

    The singing of ‘Dayenu’:
    If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it
    would’ve been enough. If He’d punished our enemies and not parted
    the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough. If He’d parted the Red Sea
    ( remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now. ) etc.
    Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
    Thanks again, God, for everything.
    SERVE MEAL.
    Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some more songs. Try to stay awake.
    Who knows one? Who knows two through thirteen?
    Dad bought a goat for two zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until
    God steps in.
    Go to sleep.
    Do it again another night.

  3. s(b.) says:

    fff(se),

    I believe transliterating kiddush with a Q may reflect a number of possible things:
    1. the author is from the UK
    2. the author is a native romance language writer
    3. the author is s’fardi (see #2)
    4. the author isn’t familiar with NE U.S. yeshivish transliteration style, or doesn’t care, or likes the letter Q, or is perhaps a BT
    5. the author is this guy, and uses Q a lot, everywhere: http://www.aishdas.org/asp/
    for example: “…Yitzchaq, as He said..” (It is worth comparing this usage of “paqad” with “zachar“.)
    “To appoint, as in Yoseif’s method for running Egypt’s storehouses – “vayafqeid peqidim“. [sic]
    6. the author uses this style (note other consistent differences in spellings from “traditional” (NE/US/ashkenaz) transliteration:
    http://azyashir.blogspot.com/2007/10/parshath-noach-genesis-vi9-xi32.html

    Another consistent transliteration style difference I have observed is misswoth, not mitvot/ mitzvos/ mitzvahs. Many examples are available here:
    http://blogsearch.google.com/blogsearch?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&q=misswoth&btnG=Search+Blogs
    The misswothers are often related to the qiddushers. Perhaps the misswother chassidim are from Western Europe’s version of Chelm, a small town called Qiddush. (is humor allowed here? I tried. Lots of love for all the spellers; I’m just glad to be able to read such a wealth of perspectives. As far as transliteration goes, imo, the only correct spelling is in Hebrew, so it doesn’t really matter, as long as people understand what you mean. When it’s not NEshkenaz-style, it looks funny, to me, sometimes, but I can only imagine how terrible ashkenaz transliteration looks to native Hebrew speakers or Western Europeans.)
    Have a great day!

  4. David says:

    I just saw that Az Yashir blog put up a transliteration scheme, if you’re interested.

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